No. Not that kind of human sacrifice, you sick fuck! I'm talking about the heartfelt sacrifices that parents make for the unboundless love of their child, not sacrificing female virgins or making little effigies out of fish bones in voodoo rituals. (And for all you weirdos out there who are finding this entry because you're googling "sacrifice female virgins fish bones", please wipe off the black lipstick and leave now!) Anyway, as usual, I digress.
The thought of sacrificing for your child has been on my mind a lot today. According to this past week's NY magazine, the national average cost of raising a child to the age of 18 is $323,975. Since the cost of living index in Manhattan is approximately 3.2 times the national average, the child-raising cost for us could easily reach the $1 million mark. Holy Bling Bling, Batman! Are you fucking kidding me?
$1 million!!! That figure is so staggering and unrealistic that it would be absolutely comedic if it weren't so fucking terrifying. It reminds me of that old saying about Congressional funding, "a billion here, a billion there. Pretty soon, it starts to add up to real money."
Anyway...as I was telling my foodtaster the other day, it's quickly become quite evident to me and the BossLady that some changes are going to have to be made in our household's status quo. The birth of our young heiress is going to force us to seriously alter our lifestyle. No more bathing ourselves in champagne. No more caviar for the dog. And definitely, no more drunken games of "pin the tail on the servant." (I swear I think I saw a tear in the chauffeur's eye. He used to love that game.)
But seriously...I'm so in love with the Peanut that I'd sacrifice everything for her. And although there was one moment last night where I looked in her crib and saw a Porsche and a ski cabin, I would do anything for this girl. The question is HOW! How are BossLady and I going to make the lifestyle changes that will enable the Peanut to reach the age of 18? without dressing her in burlap sacks and mittens made out of old socks?
Well, for starters, we searched around the apartment last night and discovered that we had a kitchen! It's small but there seems to be one device that allows us to keep food cool, and another device that enables us to warm it up. Fucking ingenious! Next thing you know, they'll invent a machine that will wash and dry clothes!
With the recent discovery of the kitchen, the BossLady and I have decided that we need to cook at home more often. Our problem is that, living in NYC, we're surrounded by amazingly cheap food from every region of the world. And all this food can be delivered to your doorstep piping hot in less than 30 minutes! Where else in the world can you do that? Only in NY, baby! Only in NY. Anyway, sacrificing delivery wouldn't be that much of an issue if it weren't for one other problem....the BossLady and I can't cook!!! Well actually, we can both prepare special-occasion meals but we don't know how to prepare everyday food. So like young cubs being thrown into the wild for the first time, we're now forced to fend for ourselves in our newly-discovered kitchen. And just to let you know how things are going so far, over the past few days, we've had the following dinners:
1. Grilled cheese sandwiches
2. Frozen dumplings (twice)
4. Frozen burrito
5. Microwave buffalo wings
5. Cookies, potato chips and ice cream
But BossLady and I love the Peanut so we're going to have to learn to feed ourselves somtime soon. The ironic thing is that we have a huge collection of cookbooks and tons of recipes clipped from newspaper articles and magazines. Unfortunately, I don't think we're going to have time to prepare the roasted squab with the ragout of chanterelles and shallots anytime soon. No, we're a little busy for that right now.
What I really need is a cookbook for new parents. So I'm throwing out a million dollar idea here for anyone who wants to show some intiative. Create a book of receipes where all the meals can be prepared using only one hand. The meals need to be prepared out of whatever leftovers or frozen foods that are readily available without any advance preparation. No timers can be used because they're hard to hear over a baby's screams. Oh yeah...and all the meals need to take less than 15 minutes to be completed. Can anyone help us? Please? Before the BossLady and I become diabetic or collapse from anaphylactic shock!
(In lieu of suggestive recipes, we'll also welcome donations to "The Help Raise a Child to 18 Fund". All checks should be made out to "Manhattan Porsche")