Guys...how would you feel if you had an enormous pot belly, swollen joints, severe back pain, surging hormones, sinus headaches, hermorrhoids, bloody nasal passages, engorged tits, intense perspiration and an overriding need to constantly pee? all while someone was kicking the living shit out of your ribs? And how would you feel if you knew that the only thing that was going to relieve all that pain and discomfort was shitting a basketball out your ass?
I only ask these things because, although I know that chivalry is dead, I'm still utterly amazed when MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T GIVE UP SEATS ON THE SUBWAY FOR PREGNANT WOMEN!!!
BossLady and I went to see her gyno this morning. When we got on the subway, an elderly man got up and offered my pregnant wife his seat. He was very courteous and we thanked him for his kindness. But coming back downtown later, I got onto a crowded train and saw 2 VERY pregnant women standing while a bunch of seated, healthy, red-blooded American men just pretended not to see them. Now if I'm with BossLady and this happens, I go nuts. I'll start taunting anyone seated nearby, saying "Wow. Chivalry really is dead" or "What would your mama say?" And once in a while, I'll even say "Bitch! get the fuck up and give my pregnant wife your fucking seat before I stab this goddamn pencil through your fucking neck!" (Needless to say, my comments are directly correlated to the size of the offender.)
Anyway, BossLady doesn't like me to make these kinds of comments so I try to refrain from doing so. But today on the way to work, BossLady wasn't with me so the leash was off. I was free to heckle and embarass people to my heart's content, which of course I did. But you know what? It worked. People offered the pregnant women their seats. And maybe next time, those rude motherfuckers will think twice the next time they see a pregnant woman on the subway. (On a side note, heckling strangers is really fun. Not as fun as heckling the L.A. Dodgers but pretty damn close. Try it on your next commute.)
But really...what the fuck is wrong with you dumb-ass, ignorant, raised-by-babboons, no manners-having, pseudo-hipsters, wanna-be-rappers, pinstripe-suit Gordon Gekko poseurs, and frat-boy losers? Unless you're over 75, have a terminal disease, or are on crutches...do the right thing, Mookie! Be a gentleman. Offer a pregnant woman your seat. It's the least you can do. You really should be asking her whether she could use some water, a foot rub or a back massage. Ok..you don't have to do all that. Just get up and offer her your seat. I don't care how cool you are, how much money you make, or how much you've suffered at work. JUST GET UP!
Because although chivalry in NY may be dying, you don't have to help load the bullets.
By the way, ladies...if someone offers you their seat, be sure to thank them. Because although I'll excuse some of you for being in extreme pain and discomfort, I know some of you are just stuck-up bitches who are going to be back at the trading desk 14 days after you give birth. And some others of you are deluded by a false sense of victimization so you feel entitled to anything that comes your way. Really, ladies...I don't care what your issues are. I'll still give up my seat for you. But a little thank you goes a long way.