MetroDad

CHAOS THEORY: December 2011

Random thoughts on a Monday night...

MERRY BIRTHDAY HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Every holiday season, I struggle a bit over how to explain Christmas to the Peanut.

Generally speaking, I am wholly unqualified to have this conversation with my daughter. Being somewhat immature and fairly agnostic, I often celebrate Christmas by singing "Happy birthday, Baby Jesus!" all day long and toasting God's only son with a glass of single-malt scotch while acting surprised when opening presents that I've bought for myself.

Ideally, I'd like to deemphasize both the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas. Although I struggle with my own faith, I think it's semi-important to try and frame Christmas in terms of the Nativity and the day that Jesus was born. However, at the age of seven, the only Jesus whom the Peanut knows is the parking garage attendant down the block. Things could get a little confusing. I really need to start taking her to church one of these days.

At the same time, I'd also like to forgo too many discussions about Santa. The Peanut is only seven years old and I'm quite sure that she does not yet need to be concerned about omnipotent mythical father figures making value judgments about her behavior. On the flip side? Pretending to call Santa on my cell phone has stopped many a tantrum in mid-stride.

So to sum up: no religion, light on Santa. What's left?

Essentially, I'd like to convey to her that the true spirit of Christmas is love, peace, and good will towards men. I'd like to explain to her that Christmas is a time of celebrating life with one's friends and family.

And naturally, I have no desire to withold from her all the fun festivities associated with the holiday season: Christmas trees, stockings on the mantel, egg nogg, chocolate Advent calendars, and Santa's cookie plate. Plus, I'll be the first to admit it; I fucking love Christmas music. Little Drummer Boy? I listen to that shit all year round.

It's a fine line, isn't it?

I'm thinking of doing a demonstration with some sock puppets. Or maybe I can find an "Elmo Loves Christmas" DVD. I hate that little red furry bastard but he's been helpful in the past (see "Toilet Training: 2004.") Or maybe there's something on youtube?

Anyone got any good ideas?  Help a brother out.

 

MEANINGLESS CONFESSIONS

1. Between Michael Pollan and the plethora of food documentaries to which I've become addicted, I can no longer put anything in my mouth unless I know its provenance. Sometimes I open my mouth and I'm shocked to hear myself speak: Are these free-range chickens? Is the fish wild or farm-raised? Are these avocados organic? Is there any gluten in the kale salad? Somewhere in the heavens, my tough-as-nails Korean ancestors are sighing heavily.

2. I have tried to like Kings of Leon many times and have failed. I'm now giving up.

3. Am I the only one who is genuinely surprised to discover that I wasn't the lucky person to win the previous night's lottery?

4. I just bought a crockpot.

 

LITERARY

1. Thus far, Jeffrey Eugenides' "The Marriage Plot" wins my vote for best book of the year. The “marriage plot” referred to in the title is a term literary theorists use to label novels of courtship; think Jane Austen, Eliot and Anthony Trollope. The protagonist, Madeline Hanna, is writing her college thesis on the subject. Not coincidentally, at the end of the day, this novel is really nothing more than an elegantly-written, old-fashioned story centered around Madeline and her two suitors. They simply don't write books like this anymore. What makes it such an exceptional novel is that Eugenides is a superbly gifted storyteller who writes as if he has nothing to prove and by doing so, shows that he may be the great American writer many have suspected him of being.

2. Overhyped Book of the Year: "The Art of Fielding" by Chad Harbach. All the critics seemed to love this debut novel by one of literary mag N + 1's co-founders and I eagerly awaited its arrival on my doorstep. While brilliant at times, it ultimately disappointed. Was it the underdevelopment of the main characters? Was it the sophomoric portrayal of human relationships? Was it the lack of humor pervading story? I'm not quite sure. Nor do I really care.

3. I have just started Haruki Murakami's "1Q84," his 928-page surreallist novel tackling the themes of murder, history, cult religion, violence, family ties and love. While I am a huge Murakami fan, this one doesn't strike me as a breezy page turner. 

4. I'm also reading Spalding Grey's memoirs. Incredibly written but can only be read in short doses. Since we all know how the story ends (suicide,) it's a bit like having lunch with Sylvia Plath every day.

 

GOOGLE IS MY SANTA CLAUS

Lest one think from my earlier musings that I am some sort of Scrooge or a grinch, I respectfully disagree.

As far as the Peanut is concerned, there really is a Santa Claus and he is solely responsible for all those magical presents that miraculously appear underneath the tree on Christmas morning. I cherish every single moment with my daughter but there are few things that make me as happy as seeing her beautiful face light up with glee when she wakes up on Christmas morning and runs to the tree to see what Santa has brought her.

Every year, I have the Peanut write a letter to Santa explaining why she's been a good kid and what she would like for Christmas.

This year, her list includes a karaoke machine, Paper Jamz, Zoobles, Polly Pocket, Arthur Christmas, Air Swimmers, Sing-A-Ma-Jigs, and a Doggie Doo.

Aside from the karaoke machine, I literally have no fucking idea what the hell she is talking about. It's like she's speaking a foriegn language. Suddenly I'm having flashbacks to being a little kid and seeing the blank expressions on my immigrant parents' faces when I endlessely blathered on about Coleco game machines, Brite-Lites, Masters of the Universe action figures, Gobots, and a Rubik's Cube. How could they not know about these things?

Sigh...

Part of me wants to pay it forward by just getting her a full set of Encyclopedia Britannica, a $20 bill, and a new Mighty-Mac jacket.

On the flip side, my daughter has me wrapped me around her little finger so my Amazon shopping cart is already locked and loaded. 

Yes, Peanut.

There really is a Santa Claus.

 

A Brief Note on Giving Thanks

As I look around me, I can't help but get the feeling that America seems to be an angry place these days. 

We're angry that a shrinking portion of the population controls a growing portion of the money. We're angry that public schools are failing our children. We're angry that our so-called leaders are more concerned with partisan mudslinging than solving our nation''s problems. But more than anything else, we all seem to be angry with one another.

Look, I get it. We're a PMS nation built on anger. Heck, the very foundation of this country was built on anger. "What, you're going to tax us without fair representation? You're going to tell us whom to worship?  You're going to treat us like 2nd-class citizens? Fuck that. We're starting our own country!"

However, we seem to have reached a point where the appropriate response to life's irritations is sheer anger and rage. Have you read the newspaper lately? Every minor tangle is a potential interpersonal Gulf of Tonkin incident. Funny looks on the street result in brawls. Incidents on the highway result in road rage. Innocuous slights by strangers end up in wrathful revenge. 

Now, don't get me wrong. Everyone feels anger. I don't ever want to NOT feel anger. But, as Dennis Miller once said, the collective mistake we're making is this: Anger used to be a bass line that we used to merely provide a funky bottom to our cultural zeitgeist. It's now broken out into a shrieking guitar solo that's drawing a rivulet of blood from all our ears.

So maybe during this holiday week when we get together with all of our weird relatives and stuff our faces, we can turn the dial down on some of that hate and take some time to remember how lucky all of us truly are. In the grand scheme of things, even the most disgruntled among us is living better than 99% of our fellow inhabitants on the planet. Trust me, I've seen it firsthand.

For better or worse, let's give thanks and be truly grateful for all that we do have in our lives. Let's remember to help those who are less fortunate. And let's always remember that health, love and friendship should never be taken for granted.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and your families. Good will towards all.

Peace out, homies.

 

Random Text Messages From My Friends, Vol. 7

The following text missives from my cell phone are all about to get purged so, as usual, I thought I'd jot them down here for posterity. Names and telephone numbers have been withheld to protect the (not-so) innocent.

"The best part about Halloween is giving out packets of ketchup to little kids."

"What's worse? Piercing your newborn's ears or giving her a lower back tattoo?"

"Wife walked in on me doing the robot. It didn't faze her. The thrill is gone."

"Patron tequila with limes doesn't count as a juice cleanse, homeboy."

"Just ate shrimp cocktail, lobster salad, sushi, snow crabs. I'm about to crap The Deadliest Catch."

"Ever walk by a group of women and hear one of them tell her friends 'I''d tap that?'"

"Don't judge Heather Mills until you've hopped a mile in her shoe."

"Best part about working for myself is giving the boss handjobs under the desk."

"Dallas is making me feel very brunette."

"Please say you're kidding about the colonic. Is crapping bib lettuce and spicy lemonade not enough for you?"

"I want to be me when I grow up but with more hair and cars and a better second serve."

"Thinking of starting an Alan Parsons Project cover band. You want in?"

"Can't decide what I like most about this party: all the recently divorced men or the baby lamb chops."

"I live where botox and silicon runneth over but the gustatory landscape is severely lacking."

"My husband is reading Vogue and I'm watching the Detroit Lions game. That answer your question?"

"Everyone here reminds me of mashed potatoes. White and lumpy."

"Remember when we used to to party and go to rap shows? I'm now at the Bryan Ferry concert drinking chardonnay. Where did things go wrong?"

"The only guys who like Coldplay are the ones who want to sleep with girls who like Coldplay."

"Just spent 2 hours on WebMD. Convinced I'm dying. Fare thee well!"

 

MetroDad GiveAway: Your turn, folks. What's the funniest or most random text message you've received? The reader who submits a comment that makes milk come out my nose wins a brand-new Apple IPod Shuffle. Be sure to leave your e-mail address in the comments.

 

Day Tripping

I have repeatedly refused to chaperone the Peanut’s field trips, even when they were on days I wasn’t particularly busy at work and could easily have done so. The thought of riding in an old school bus with a bunch of screaming second graders holds about as much painstaking appeal to me as teaching my parents how to program their DVR.

Unfortunately, the Peanut’s most recent field trip happened to coincide with her seventh birthday. In the course of asking my lovely daughter what she wanted to do on her "special" day, she looked me dead straight in the eye and said, “I want you to chaperone my class trip.”

Damn, this kid is good.

As far as I can tell, the primary job requirement of a parent chaperone is ensuring that no child gets lost or left behind.  Secondary responsibilities include poking straws into milk cartons, breaking up fights, wiping boogers, and fielding questions.

Lots of questions...

"Why do you wear sunglasses indoors?"

Because your pink Hello Kitty sweater is searing my corneas.

"Why are you wearing all black clothes?"

I’m mourning the loss of my childhood.

"What did you bring for lunch?" 

Grilled iguana, a couple of corn dogs and a shrimp cocktail. 

"What do you do for a living?"  

Play drums in a Justin Bieber cover band.

"Where do you live?"  

In a van down by the river.

 This Guantanamo-style school bus interrogation literally went on for about fifteen minutes and ended only when the little midgets decided that my answers were wholly unsatisfactory. Suddenly, they turned their backs to me and yelled out to my daughter, “Hey Peanut, how come your dad is so weird?”

To which my daughter yelled back, “He’s not weird. He’s just goofy.”

Sarcasm is lost on the young.

To add insult to injury, the field trip was to see an experimental dance troupe. Had I known this beforehand, I would have faked my own death. Don't get me wrong. I am all for supporting the arts but spending two hours watching dancers reenact the anguished pain of a butterfly via interpretive movement is more than a man can bear.

In all honesty, I was hoping to catch a quick nap during the performance. Here's what I did instead:

(1) Smack three boys in the back of the head for talking loudly.

(2) Comfort a crying girl being mercilessly teased by two mean girls.

(3) Enact revenge on the mean girls by telling them that they were ugly.

(4) Learn the latest incarnations of the time-honored clapping game, Miss Mary Mack.

(5) Realize my shortcomings as a chaperone, leave the theater, and smoke a cigarette.

Apparently, the school has plenty of eager-beaver moms who are more than willing to volunteer for these trips so I'm fairly certain that my inaugural chaperone experience may have been my last.

 

Maybe I'll join the PTA instead.

 

Or maybe I'll do what a buddy's dad used to do whenever he was asked to volunteer for anything. He'd immediately whip out his checkbook and say, "Ok, whom do I have to write the check to make sure that I never even get asked to volunteer for anything again?"

 

Of course, this was the same father who once said to my friend, "I didn't even talk to you until you were three years old. Why? Because you had nothing interesting to say."

 

Pure genius.

 

 

Humble thanks to the folks over at Babble for naming me as one of the Top 50 Dad Blogs and also the Best Written. When I first started this site, there were very few men writing about their experiences as fathers. It warms the cockles of my soul that there are now enough to actually compile a list. I hadn't heard of many of these sites before so I'm eager to check them out. You should too.

 

Return of the Mac

Lately I've been inundated with e-mails from friends, readers, news outlets, and PR agencies imploring me to write more frequently on this site.

I've always tended to squirm a little whenever this blog gets any sort of attention. It's sort of a mixed blessing for me because, as I've mentioned before, I have zero interest in being a "popular" blogger or making any money off this site. There are over 57 million blogs out there and I come across quite a few that are very clear about their naked ambitions (ad revenue! book deals! t-shirt sales!) 

This, my friends, is definitely not one of those blogs. 

You see...in that wide divide between complete obscurity and worldwide fame, I believe there exists a great number of pan flashers, egoists, and one-hit wonders hoping for a giant slice of the adulation quiche. As my man Dennis Miller likes to say, "while most of us are content to simply rubberneck the carnage on the side of the road, too many people these days are desperately striving to actually BE the car wreck."

Me? I don't want to be that wreck. I've always believed that popularity is a goal for the emotionally insecure. I also realized very early on that I personally do not have the proper disposition to handle even a modicum level of fame. (Why? Many reasons...but mostly because if my photo were ever in a magazine and I came across it at my dentist's office only to see that someone had drawn a dick and balls on my chin, I'd be pissed for weeks.)

In all honesty, I think the blog's growing popularity was part of the reason I haven't written more here in the past year or so. I started to feel as if I were writing for an audience as opposed to just writing for my own pleasure.

Quite simply, all I want to do is just hang out with you guys, shoot the shit, and tell funny stories about my daughter putting diapers on the dog.

On the flip side, I don't write here solely for myself. I started this site as a creative outlet and to find some like-minded parents who didn't take themselves (or their kids) so damn seriously.  Little did I know that I would end up meeting so many cool, smart, and interesting people who not only get my sense of humor but can also appreciate random musings on midget rappers, drunken Scrabble, and iCarly. Getting to know all of you and making some real-life friends has been, by far, the best part about starting this blog. 

As the preeminent social philosopher Lil Kim once said, "Y'all rock, yo!"

Anyway, I bring all this up because I've decided that I'm going to write a lot more on this site. I'm currently working on a book of humurous personal essays so partly in that regard, I'd like to use this site to invigorate those writing muscles that seem to have completely atrophied since I stopped writing here. To tell you the truth, I've also missed all of you.

So now that I'm back, allow me to re-introduce myself...

For all you first-time visitors here, this site is, for lack of a better phrase, a "daddy blog."

What the hell is a "daddy blog?" you might ask? Well, I can't answer for all of them but I like to think of this site as being very similar to a "mommy blog."

Except with real humor!

And 50% less crazy! 

(Just kidding, ladies!)

Actually, if I had to describe what this blog was about, I'd say it was simply about life, love, and the gentle art of raising children. It's the story of one man's heroic journey into the depths of parenthood and the ensuing joy that follows.   

(Sorry, my sarcasm cup runneth amok.)

In all seriousness, this blog is about what happens when a self-involved NYC man living a carefree hedonistic life becomes a father for the first time. It also follows the path of single parenthood and the ensuing comedy of raising a seven-year-old daughter in downtown Manhattan.

Prior to having a child, I had an amazingly fun life. Though I always wanted kids, I worried about the possibility that having a kid would put a damper on my lifestyle. However, I have to admit that life these days is much more enjoyable. More enjoyable than I could have ever imagined.

I know there are some people out there who say, “I can’t remember life before my baby was born!”  Really? There was nothing memorable about your life before you had a kid? That totally sucks.  Because I had a shitload of fun before I had a child, and I enjoy those memories just as much now as I did then. Heck, many times those memories are what get me through the night! 

But does being an involved father mean that I've forsaken my former personality to become a dad?  Have I subverted my diverse interests to pursue the path of parenthood? Am I destined to become a Stepford Dad or one of those repugnant Alpha-Parents?

Hell to the N and the O.

Don't get me wrong. I'll be the first to admit that it's not easy. There's a part of me that sometimes wants to bail out on being a parent, jump on a plane to Bali, drop Ecstasy, and write screenplays under a palm tree. There are other times when I start thinking about the cumulative cost of after-school care, ballet lessons, and college tuition...and I think to myself, "Damn, I could have bought a Porsche."

But therein lies the rub, folks. There's no way that you can emotionally or monetarily amortize the cost of having a child. I'm not going to trip the light saptastic here but having a kid is one of the greatest joys of my life. There's no way to explain it if you haven't experienced it.

This blog is merely my attempt to laugh at it all.

That being said, I do think there is a certain social contract between a writer and his readers.  When you read a blog, you expect to get a consistent perspective from the writer. However, things can get a little dicey when that writer is also a card-carrying member of the parenting blogosphere. So, in the interests of clarity, here is a list of topics that will NEVER be covered on MetroDad...

1. Seinfeld-like observations of the "didja ever notice?" variety.
2. My love of cats.
3. How the mean parents at the PTA make me feel like I'm in high school again.
4. My favorite recipe for pumpkin soup.
5. A mind-numbing, hour-by-hour recap of my day.
6. The size of my ass.
7. Bitchings about my ex-wife, my parents, or in-laws. 
8. My love of Gymboree!
9. How much it will cost to get my minivan fixed.
10. Why my kid is the greatest.

Throw a rock on the internet and you'll find a mind-numbingly enormous amount of blogs covering those and other scintillating topics.

Sorry but this won't be one of them.

On the other hand, here are some completely random examples of what you are likely to find on this site...

• Changing the world one dangling participle at a time (Strunk & White in the house, yo)
• Underage Chinese Gymnast (This post went viral all over the world.)
• 25 life lessons for my daughter (Tips on not raising the next Lindsay Lohan.)
• Child brides & boyhood crushes (The beautiful innocence of young love.)
• Diary of a single dad (Thank God I have an amazing girlfriend now.)
• Fun with deconstruction (My thoughts on champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics)
• The 8 types of playground parents ('Fess up. Are YOU on this list?)
• An open letter to all toddlers (Post this on your fridge.)

In toto: adulation quiches, dicks and balls on my chin, car wrecks, Chinese gymnasts, grammar, and single parenthood.

Yeah, that about sums it up. 

What's up with all of you?

 

Dear Andy

Dear Andy,

It's 7:30 in the morning and I'm staring out the window of a hotel room in Stamford, Connecticut. As I gaze out across the Long Island Sound, I can't help but be struck by how beautifully clear and sunny the sky is today. It's so strangely similar to that day ten years ago when we lost you, it almost sends shivers down my spine. 

Ten years.

Kyle and I had drinks with your sister recently and we were talking about the passage of time. Susan was saying how hard it was to believe that it's been ten long years since she heard your voice, ten long years since she listened to your laugh, and ten long years since she saw your face. Would none of that really never happen again?

For me, I don't know what to think. When it comes to you, time has lost any sort of meaning. Sometimes, I feel as if 9/11 occured just yesterday. Other times, it feels like a lifetime ago.

All I really know is what I feel...and what I miss.

I miss walking into my office every morning and knowing that you were going to call at any moment. My mornings are lonelier for it.

I miss those evenings when we'd be out with a group of people but whenever you'd see me leaving, you'd make sure to give me a hug and say, "I love you, brother. Talk to you tomorrow."

I miss those late-night conversations out at the beach where we'd just grab a few beers, sit out on the deck, talk about life, and laugh about the absurdity of it all.

I miss our Monday night Chinese-food-and-a-movie adventures. It was one of my fondest weekly rituals. I don't think we've done it since you've been gone. It could never be the same without you.

God, has it really been ten years?

Collectively as a nation, there seems to be a sense of amnesia about 9/11. People want to remember the event but, at the same time, they want to get past that lingering sense of loss. It happens less in New York but you can feel it.

I get it. Bad things happen. Darkness descends. And putting personal tragedies behind us in order to move forward is an intrinsic part of life.

But how do you hold on to the things that are truly transecendentally important? How do you remember the parts of a person that that are also a part of you? What does it mean to get over the loss of a loved one?

As the writer Haruki Murakami once said, "no matter how much suffering you went through, you never want to let go of those memories."

Sometimes it saddens me that those memories are slipping away.

But ten years on, I do know that whenever I’m feeling alone in a room, the person I still always hope to see is you. Because I want to tell you about this amazing song that you'd love or about a hilarious movie that we need to see. I want to hear that infectious laugh that always cheered up my day. I want to skip work, grab a few beers and throw footballs in Central Park all day. Or I want to spontaneously jump on a plane to Miami with our best friends for one of those amazing long weekends in Miami where we'd laugh so hard that tears would be streaming down our faces.

Speaking of our friends (whom you always lovingly referred to as "la famiglia"), you'd still laugh your ass off if you saw us now. Life may change but somehow it still remains the same. We're a little older and a little grayer but, at the end of the day, we're still that same old bunch of silly misfits. As a group, we don't see each other nearly as much as we should. Maybe it's because we're all getting older and are busy with our own lives. But really, I think we all know it's because you were always the glue that held us all together.

We all miss you, Andy. You're still very much a part of our lives. We think about you all the time and we miss you as much today as when we first lost you. We can be anywhere in the world and one of us will quietly raise a glass and simply say, "To GoGo." Without fail, tears will always come to our eyes as we take a moment to remember how much we miss and love you.

Tonight we'll have dinner with your family, drink too much wine, and tell our favorite stories about you. We'll focus less on the loss and more on the joy that you brought into our lives. We'll mask grief with mirth. We'll trade bitterness for optimism. And as always, we'll take comfort in the tragedy of this day by being with our loved ones.

The only thing missing will be you.

I miss you, brother. I miss you a lot. May you always rest in peace.

Love,

Your friend Pierre

 

 

Andrew Golkin, 1970-2001

CHAOS THEORY: July 2011

Once again, almost two months have passed and I've completely forgotten that I even have a blog. Mea culpa. As Samuel Taylor Coleridge once said, "summer has set in with its usual severity."

So far, Summer 2011 has been going great. After a few rough summers, I feel like I've got my sea legs back and am ready to embrace what has always been my most cherished season. For me, summer is not just a season but rather a state of mind. Bring it on, yo.

As I type this, I’m sitting outside the Doctor’s beach house, where he and I are taking turns throwing the kids into the pool and listening to them squeal hysterically with delight. The picnic table is piled abundantly high with bottles of Rose, pitchers of homemade lemonade, lobster salad, farmhouse guacamole, and fresh vegetables from the garden. The faint smells of coconut suntan lotion and flowers permeate the air.

Have I mentioned how much I love summer?

TIPS ON BEING A GREAT HOUSEGUEST

The Peanut and I have always been lucky when it comes to the generosity of our friends; and while it’s always nice to be invited for a single weekend, here are a few of our personal tips for ensuring multiple future invitations.

(1) BRING GIFTS….I always like to give towels monogrammed with my initials. That way, the hosts will never forget me and I feel like part of their home. Win, win!

(2) BE USEFUL AND EMPATHETIC….Do the things that your hosts really want to do but are prevented from doing by decorum. Buy that bottle of Jagermeister. Slip the kids some Benadryl. Take a dump late at night in the neighbor’s pool.  

(3) MAKE THE WEEKEND MEMORABLE...Draw an outline of the Virgin Mary in a container of hummus and alert the local media. Your hosts will love telling this story for years. Trust me.

 

OMAKASE

Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about how to downsize the scale and scope of my lifestyle.  

Moving into a smaller apartment and shedding myself of so many material possessions was unexpectedly cathartic. I realized that very few objects I owned held any emotional value for me. Somewhere along the line, I’d crossed over and reached a point where the things I owned ended up owning me.

Like so many others before me, I had become a slave to the Ikea nesting instinct. It’s a vicious cycle. One moment, you’re spending $250 on some bathroom candles. Next you’re blowing $8,000 on a dining table. Pretty soon, dropping $100k on a car doesn’t sound so unreasonable. Unless one makes a conscious decision to end the cycle, where and when does it end?

I have no wish to be poor but, at the same time, I have no desire to be rich.  Whereas over the course of my life, I’ve been both, I’ve come to realize that neither status has ever played much of a role in my overall life’s satisfaction or general happiness.

So aside from the basic ability to support myself and my daughter in Manhattan, I’m starting to think that when it comes to my financial ambitions, I desire only enough money to be able to travel several times each year, to never have to think about purchasing books or clothes, and most importantly, to be able to buy sushi dinners for my friends wherever and whenever I please.

Hey, I know it’s not Walden Pond but I think it’s a step down the right path.

 

RANDOM TEXT MESSAGES FROM MY FRIENDS, Vol. 6

The following text missives from my eclectic group of friends are all about to get purged so, as usual, I thought I'd jot them down here for posterity:

“Every time I hear Debbie and her Australian accent, I want to go eat at Outback.”

“Baby just exploded diarrhea all over me. Dog is licking it up. Think I'm going to vomit. Go ahead and start dinner without me. I’m gonna be awhile.” 

“Let’s just say that the last guy to cook for me twice in one day was probably Colonel Sanders.”

“The worst side-effect of gender equality is the couples baby shower.”

“How many calories are burned eating a lobster roll? I’m asking for the lobster.”

“In honor of the Puerto Rican Day Parade, I’m sexually harassing my wife right now and spraying the kids with shaving cream.”

“Who do you think would win in a fight? Cher or Lady Gaga?”

“Just for the record, I wasn’t staring at her ass. I was staring WITH her ass.”

“You’re my favorite minority friend but if I ever meet a black man who drives an old Cadillac, you’re fired.”

“My favorite is when there are no boobs and then all of sudden, boobs!”

 

SING THE SONG SOUNDS LIKE HE READS IT

When life’s myriad complexities start weighing heavily on me, one of my favorite means of decompression is to grab a stool at a mellow neighborhood bar or restaurant armed solely with a good jukebox, a good cocktail and a good book.

I always empathize with my female friends who tell me that they’d love to do this as well but can’t because apparently there’s something about being female and alone in a bar that makes everyone assume that she’s desperate for conversation, so people like to interrupt her (“Hey, whatcha reading?”) and if she doesn’t smile and answer politely, they think to themselves “bitch!”

As a man walking into a bar alone with a book, I’d like to think that people find me dashing and intellectual but I’ll settle for nerdy and weird. Either way, I never get bothered.

But being an over-thinking literary geek, I’ve invented a personal game for myself where I try to match up the right bar with the right meal, drink, soundtrack, and author.

For example…

Local Irish bar, bacon cheeseburger, shot of whiskey, Bruce Springsteen, Raymond Carver.

Outdoor café, grilled cheese sandwich, glass of rose, Bradenburg concertos, Shakespeare.

Sushi restaurant, salmon skin avocado hand roll, sake, Arcade Fire, Haruki Murakami.

I’m the only nerd who does this, aren’t I?

Seriously, go ahead and give it a try.

 

PHILOSOPHER JIM CAREY

I was randomly surfing the internet late at night during a recent bout of insomnia and somehow found myself reading a recap of an old CNN interview between Larry King and his guest Jim Carrey.

I had never really known anything about Jim Carrey before except that he is, of course, Jim Carrey. As it turns out, he seems like a very pensive and thoughtful guy. As he related stories of growing up poor, living in his car, battling depression and suffering hardship, he says:

“I just got to the point where I realized the only way to look at life is to believe that everything that ever happens to you, is the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

Maybe it was the insomnia. Maybe it was reading about all the sadness in his life. All I know is that I was surprised that a Jim Carey quote could have such a profound effect on me. My own personal philosophy leans toward the belief that when life throws roadblocks in your way, you’ve got to remove the negativity and create a mindset that allows you to proactively enact change. Jim Carey’s philosophy seems like a sturdier and more succinct version of my own. I think it’s a useful tool for looking at life.

I know. Jim Carrey, right? Who would have ever thought it?

Next beers on me, Ace Ventura.

 

SING THE SONG SOUNDS LIKE SHE SINGS IT

My daughter amazes the shit out of me.

In her first six years on this planet, she’s witnessed her grandfather painfully succumb to cancer. She’s seen her parents split up and divorce. She’s attended three different schools in three years. She’s had major eye surgery. And she’s moved out of the only home she’d ever known.

Yet, she’s turned into a really cool, smart, funny, sensitive, caring and polite kid.

So, as a special treat, I got us a pair of third-row tickets to the Glee concert. It was her first “big girl” concert and the two of us could not have been more excited.

There are a million words I could write about seeing the world through your daughter’s eyes. Or the pure joy that comes from seeing her so happy. Or the sense of wonderment at seeing one's child grow before your very eyes.

But if a picture says a thousand words...

Hope your summer is filled with lots of fun, sun, love and lobsters. Cheers!

 

HOUSE RULES: My House, My Rules

One of my favorite bars in New York is a secret.

It has no telephone number. No windows. No signage. And the address on the front door is conveniently wrong. The bar's owner just wanted to open a tiny, intimate space where friends could come for quiet conversation and exceptionally well-made cocktails.

Framed discreetly inside the dimly-lit bar is a subtle sign dictating the rules of the house.

1. No name-dropping.
2. No hooting, hollering, shouting or other loud behaviour.
3. No fighting, play fighting, no talking about fighting.
4. Gentlemen will remove their hats. Hooks are provided.
5. Gentlemen will not introduce themselves to ladies.
   Ladies, feel free to start a conversation or ask the bartender to introduce you. If a man you don't know speaks to you, please lift your chin slightly and ignore him.
6. Do not linger outside the front door.
7. Do not bring anyone unless you would leave that person alone in your home. You are responsible for the behaviour of your guests.
8. Exit the bar briskly and silently. 

What I love about these rules is that they don't just outline a set of house policies. They convey a form of tolerance and politeness that seem to be lacking in society today.

The only rule I might add is "If you must talk about the Yankees, please feel free to do so. At home."

I often think about rules when it comes to parenting. Growing up, I didn't have very many rules. That's not to say that my immigrant parents weren't very strict. Hell, they were the original Tiger parents and they reigned over me and my brother with an iron fist.

But aside from the fact that I was a pretty good kid, they didn't really lay down a large set of rules.

I think the only three I ever had were no reading after bedtime, no piercings and no swearing.

Ironically, I got my ear pierced right after they told me that rule. I now stay up until 2:00 am every night reading. And I don't think it's a secret to you guys that I curse like a fucking truck driver.

My daughter is 6 years old and I realize that I have a million rules for her already.

Why do I have so many rules?

Partly because if she had her way, she'd drop out of first grade, watch TV all day, and subsist solely on burnt ends and ice cream. But it's also partly for my own protection because the Peanut is constantly trying to work me over like a piñata.

For example, this is the first year she's had homework and it's like she's allergic to it. The first week of school, we sat down together and while I read the paper, I told her she had to do all of her homework. Literally every 30 seconds, she'd stop and say something ridiculously absurd:

"Hey daddy, put on some music. I think this would be a really good time for a dance party."

"This would be a lot easier if I had some ice cream."

"You just do the first part and I'll take it from there."

The first 5 minutes of doing homework together and I immediately had to set three new rules; (1) Dance parties are for weekends, (2) No eating ice cream during homework, and (3) You have to do all your homework by yourself.

THIS SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!

I remember, years ago, a pivotal parenting moment for me was when I first caught myself saying, "If you don't finish your broccoli, you don't get any dessert."

At the time, I started laughing hysterically because I felt like I had lost my parenting virginity. Generations of parents have uttered those exact same words and somewhere along the line, it's become a rite of passage. I remember thinking, "Ha! You made your first rule."

I just didn't know that it would never end. Does it?

Today, I was walking around the neighborhood holding hands with the Peanut and actually found myself saying: "New rule. No trying to push me into the dog poop when we're walking down the street together."

The Peanut shook her head, looked up at me, and said, "Man, you sure do got a lot of rules."

You have no idea, kiddo.

 

What about you guys? Did your parents have any crazy rules when you were growing up? Do you have any ones for your kids that sometimes make your head spin? What's the funniest rule you've ever had to say to your kids? An inquiring mind wants to know.

CHAOS THEORY: April 2011

Wow, it's been more than 3 months since I've posted here. I have to admit that I've thought about just shutting down this site. Like everything else in my life right now, I've had mixed emotions about the whole thing. To be quite honest, does anyone even read blogs anymore?

Or as my boy Kanye said, "Do anybody make real shit anymore?

At the end of the day, I miss writing in this space. After all these years, this is the place that feels like home. I've loved developing real-life relationships that wouldn't have existed had I not started writing here in the first place. It's something I never expected and has definitely added an interesting wrinkle to my life.

But enough with this emo shit. Let's get down to brass tacks, yo.

 

SIX GOING ON STRANGE

The Peanut is 6.5 years old. Sometimes I think that if she makes it to 7, it will be a miracle. Her need to argue and plead every case often makes me wonder whether she's the illegitimate love-child of Atticus Finch and Gloria Allred. Plus, she's at that annoying age where she thinks she's right about absolutely everything. Drives me freaking bonkers. I do have to admit though that the stuff that comes out of her mouth these days is pretty hilarious:

"Wake up, homeboy. It's time to make me some breakfast."

"If I had a million dollars, I'd quit school and just watch TV all day.

"Hey, do me a favor? Make me a BLT but without the lettuce and the tomato?"

"Well, you say that you're going to be married forever but that didn't really happen to you the first time around, did it?"

"Even though you're wearing a hat, I can still tell you have an enormous head."

"The craziest people in the world are 6-year-old boys."

 

ON MALE BLOGGING: WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE? 

Part of the reason I considered shutting down this site is because I find myself slightly disillusioned about the public over-sharing, diary-like, confessional, first-person blog writing that seems to be becoming more and more prevalent.

Especially among men and fellow dad bloggers.

Don't get me wrong. As long-time readers know, I've painfully bared my soul here plenty of times.

On the one hand, it's enlightening to see more and more men of a certain age with the emotional intelligence to be able to introspectively write about the issues that affect their lives. This has never really happened before. When it first started happening, it was regarded with gravity and respect. It was openly naked first-person essay writing and it was practically a watershed moment.

But it was rarely appreciated under the blogging format. To call it blogging would have cheapened it.

Why? Because let's face it. Blogging is a medium designed for memes, emo tumblr photos, inspirational quotes, and the internal musings of disaffected 23-year-old women and stay-at-home moms. 

Is sharing feelings how men are supposed to act online?

As a recent Village Voice article put it:

"Men shouldn't whine or feel pain and they certainly shouldn't fucking cry, according to left-over cultural expectations lodged in the heads of even social progressives, feminists, children of the liberal arts. And there's a certain self-consciousness that comes with being a male online. Where have all the cowboys gone? What would our grandfathers think of us, pining for a partner or "Why me-ing?" about health concerns to strangers? And who do we look to for proper example? There are only so many words written by Dan Savage, and we've been told to avoid Tucker Max."

I don't have the answers to these questions.

 

A METRODAD QUIZ: REAL OR FAKE SLATE.COM ARTICLES?

1. "Mary Gates & Karen Zuckerberg Weren't Tiger Moms: Is Amy Chua Bad for the U.S. Economy?"

2. "The End of the Mancession: Why Women Are the Economy's Biggest Losers"

3. "The Mecca of the Mouse: Can an Adult Man Have Fun at DisneyWorld Alone?"

4. "Do 3-D Glasses Work on Cats?"

5. "Bite Me: An Evolutionary Case for Cannibalism"

 

THREE IDEAS FOR TELEVISION SHOWS

1. "The Shores of Jersey": A reality show following around a closely-knit group of septuagenarians living in a house together on the Isle of Jersey. When they're not knitting shetland sweaters and peeling potatoes, they're doing body shots of whiskey and fist-pumping dolphins.

2. "Under the Big Top": We have reality shows about every profession. How has nobody ever done one about a circus? There's so much I NEED to know. How often does the bearded lady shave? Exactly how much midget sex is going on? Is it true that when elephants get pissed, they pee on people? C'mon, people. Let's make this happen!

3. "For Womb the Bell Tolls": Medical drama/soap opera about life in a maternity ward. Screaming mothers, freaked-out dads, jaded nurses, weird doctors, and babies born with webbed feet.

 

THREE GENERATIONS & THE DILUTION OF OTHERNESS

As I've written about many times, it was always a little discomfiting to grow up straddled between two cultures. Having been raised by Korean immigrant parents who weren't wholly versed in the ways of modern American life certainly made for an interesting childhood.

Aside from constantly feeling the pressures of being torn by two different cultures, I also had to deal with friends coming over, opening our fridge, smelling kimchi and yelling, "Yo, man. Your house fucking stinks!"

But two of the great benefits of adulthood are perspective and hindsight. Despite all the teenage angst I might have had at the time, I now think it's hilariously funny during those moments when I realize that the apple never really does fall far from the tree.

Even to this day, someone will talk about sleeping with a fan on in the bedroom and I'll yell out, "Sleeping with a fan on? Are you fucking crazy? That's the leading cause of death!"

Or when my daughter is sick, I literally bury her under 20 blankets so she can "sweat it out."

(By the way, unless you have insane Asian parents, you're probably not going to understand why those two things are so funny.)

In a similar fashion, I always laugh because whenever Donald Duck's name comes up, a Finnish buddy of mine will yell out, "Do you know he's banned in Finnland because he doesn't wear pants?"

Raising my third-generation Korean-American daughter, I often wonder to myself, "How much does one's culture get diluted over time?"

I'm starting to realize that even though she's only 6, at some level my daughter is clearly already cognizant of all of this. For the past two years, she's been eating the lunch provided by school. However, lately we've been talking about me making her lunches to take to school. One of the recent times we were having that conversation, she said, "Ok, Daddy, but none of that weird stuff."

"What kind of weird stuff?"

"No eel. No seaweed. No octopus. No pork chops. I just want sandwiches, chips and a juice box."

What?! She LOVES eel, seaweed, octopus, and pork chops.

Having suffered from the wary looks from my fellow elementary school friends when my mom sent me to school with Japanese bento boxes and chopsticks, I wholeheartedly empathize with my daughter's desire to fit in and assimilate among her peers. In one's youth, there is rarely as powerful of an emotional dilemma than the need to be just like everyone else. I get it, kiddo. The nail that sticks out is the one that gets hammered down. 

But never in a million years did I ever think I would feel so sad about it.

I do.

What I've Learned: The Parenting Edition

Put enough ketchup on it and a kid will eat almost anything.

No matter how much you speak to your kids, children learn more from what you are rather than what you tell them.

Baby poop defies all laws of physics and nature.

I've never seen my dad cry. My daughter has seen me cry. My dad never told me he loved me. Consequently I tell the Peanut I love her practically every other minute. The point is that maybe too much emotional display is just as bad as not enough but I've learned that I'll always lean towards the former.

Parent who tell their kids that there is no Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy are pretty much assholes.

My daughter has taught me that I'm not always quite as good a person as I like to think I am but, at the same time, I'm nowhere near as bad a person as I sometimes think I am.  

Also? I'm a million times more patient now than I ever was before I became a father.

You can talk the talk but you better know how to walk the walk.

Parenting tests your ability to be resourceful. In a pinch, I once made a diaper out of some paper towels, a sanitary napkin, and some duct tape.

Lacking a car seat, I also once strapped my daughter into the backseat with a bunch of bungee cords.

There are few things more enjoyable in life than cranking up the stereo and dancing silly with your child.

Poop and fart jokes are always crowd pleasers.

Ever since my daughter was born, I've lectured her about life and have tried to pass on everything I've learned. Of course, she can't understand much of what I'm talking about. But you know what? One day, she will.

Is your kid a picky eater? Don't worry about it too much. As my pediatrician once said, "No kid in Tribeca ever starved to death."

I try not to worry too much about short-term payoffs, results or expectations. I don't expect the true effects of parenting to reveal themselves until well after my time here is gone.

It's both a blessing and a curse to see which traits your child has inherited from you.

Love of reading is cool. Smelly feet, not so much

Never in my life did I ever imagine having so much fun throwing a princess tea party with a bunch of dolls.

There are many things I want my daughter to learn but the two most important lessons I'd like to teach her are manners and empathy.

Hitting a good backhand down the line is a close third.

Your kids will always remember more than you. Always remember that.

My love for my child is the only love I've ever had that keeps getting stronger over time. Maybe that says more about me than it does about my relationship with my daughter. Maybe I can learn how to transfer that into the other relationships in my life. We'll have to wait and see about that one, n'est-ce pas?

Don't force the questions out of your child. They'll ask when they're ready.

 

I've only been a father for 6 years and I expect the things that parenting teaches me about life will continue to change over time. And if I ever have another kid, I expect that the lessons will change in a dramatically different way.

Then again, maybe they won't.

Either way, the cool thing about getting older is readjusting your perspective on life based on your everyday experiences. When I was younger, my philosophy on life was mostly shaped by my relationships. Or my travels. Or my professional life.

Not to say that those things don't continue to shape who I am. However, at the same time, I continue to be surprised about the things that parenthood teaches me. But enough of this sappy shit. What about you?

What have YOU learned?

Holiday Road

 

Happy holidays to all of you and your families.

May 2011 bring you and your loved ones a year filled with love, health, and happiness.  For those of you with loved ones serving in the armed forces overseas, our thoughts and prayers are with you.  For those of you traveling this holiday season, we wish you a safe journey. For those who are less fortunate, we offer our hands and ask how we may be of assistance.

As always, let's take the time to remember how much we have to be truly thankful for.

Happy holidays!

Love,

MetroDad and the Peanut

CHAOS THEORY: November 2010

As most of you have witnessed by now, I'm not the most prolific writer. Being a single dad in the middle of an apartment renovation and a stressful economy aren't necessarily helping things these days. However, I've got some random thoughts to share so I thought I'd spit them out here quickly.

 

THE PEANUT TURNS SIX

Every year when the Peanut's birthday rolls around, I ask her in my saddest and most forlorn voice, "Hey sweetie, do you want to have a party this year?" immediately followed by an exceedingly enthusiastic "or would you rather go to THE ZOO, pet some CUTE BABY SEALS, and eat a MOUNTAIN OF CAKE?"

This year, she didn't fall for it. Instead, she insisted on having a Princess Party with six of her closest girlfriends. This involved multiple outfit changes, macabre make-up sessions, insane amounts of screaming, criminal acts of civil disobedience, mosh pits, pizza gorging, and a chocolate cake orgy.

As far as I know, nobody got hurt or developed an eating disorder. Yay, success!

It's funny thinking about how it wasn't long ago that the Peanut was just a little baby whose sole ability was to be adorably cute on demand.

But strictly speaking, I like these days much better. It's incredible having an inquisitively playful, intellectually curious, and emotionally connected kid who never ceases to amaze you.  So yeah, six pretty much rocks.

Happy birthday, kiddo. I hope you always know how much I love you.

 

DO THE MATH

I, on the other hand, recently turned 42. While I generally feel pretty good about this benchmark, my daughter helped put things in a wholly different perspective.

Every time we're on the subway together, I give her math problems (yes, I'm that Asian dad.) Last week, while quizzing her on the 2 train about our age difference, she did the math in her head and then loudly yelled out for everyone to hear, "HOLY COW, YOU'RE 36 YEARS OLDER THAN ME? THAT'S CRAZY!"

I hope to someday be rich enough where the two of us will never have to take public transportation again.

 

OLDER, WISER

I used to think my dream woman was a mash-up of Zhang Ziyi, Tori Amos and Phoebe Cates but now I think she’s probably more a mash-up of Maggie Cheung, Christine Amanpour and Joan Didion. I could be wrong about this though.

 

SHORT BOOK REVIEWS OF BOOKS I HAVEN'T FINISHED YET

"The Snakehead" by Patrick Radden Keefe

An incredible account of how a middle-aged grandmother, working out of a tiny noodle shop in Chinatown, built a multimillion-dollar global empire smuggling Chinese immigrants into America. Book reads like a thriller as it explores the underbelly of human trafficking around the world.

"Hitch 22: A Memoir" by Christopher Hitchens

Love him or hate him, Hitch could care less. For him, the pen is always mightier than the sword. These memoirs are shockingly candid and brilliantly written. Quite possibly my favorite literary memoir since Martin Amis' "Experience."

"Freedom" by Jonathan Franzen

I know people had mixed reactions to "The Corrections" but I thought it was one of the best books written in the past 10 years. And while I'm only one chapter into Franzen's latest, he remains in my mind as one of the best story tellers in contemporary fiction.

 

CHING CHONG RACISM: YOU NEVER FORGET YOUR FIRST TIME

As a young Asian-American kid growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood, I always knew that I was different from all the other kids.

But it wasn't until I was in 5th grade that I experienced racial hatred for the first time.

During a friendly game of tackle football, I got in a scuffle with an Italian kid named Tony. While we were pushing each other around, Tony made the "chinky eyes" and said, "Fuck you, man. You're nothing but a fucking chink gook!"

I was nine years old.

I'd never even heard the words "chink" or "gook" before. And yeah, I knew my eyes were smaller but I didn't know that was something to be teased about. Shit, I never made fun of all the other kids because of their fucked-up noses or their jacked-up teeth.

As I stood there trying to process this new information, I heard my Irish buddy Tom and his older brother get in Tony's face. Even at that life-altering moment, I remember wondering whether the two of them were actually defending my honor or just looking for an excuse for a really good brawl. Heck, the last time Tom had gotten in a fight was when Tony made us sit in his driveway and watch while he drove the motorized go-cart his dad had gotten him for his 8th birthday.

Anyway, a few moments later, Tom and his brother grabbed Tony, pinned him down, and yelled for me to come over and punch him in the face.

Man, I have to admit that hitting him felt good. And yeah, the first time I experienced racism was also the first time I got into a fight. I don't think it's a coincidence that those two facts are related. Nobody likes to be different. Especially when you're nine.

As has been well documented, I love raising my daughter in New York City. Growing up here, she's been exposed to a wide diaspora of race, colors, creeds and sexual orientations that have made her oblivious to the differences that separate and divide so many of us as adults.

Sadly, that bubble has been broken.

Last week, BossLady was picking the Peanut up from school when an elderly Latino gentleman approached her to apologize for his grandson's behavior. Apparently, his grandson and another boy had been mocking and teasing the Peanut by making "chinky eyes" and yelling "ching chong, ching chong."

The kids are in first grade.

As BossLady was listening to the elderly man's apology, she saw two students in 3rd grade run past the Peanut and yell "ching chong, ching chong." Apparently, this has been a trend in the school.

Are you fucking kidding me?

When we discussed this with the Peanut, she said that she thought the boys sounded stupid making those noises and that she was "lucky" that her teacher stepped in to move the boys to a different table. What's the world coming to that my daughter has to feel "lucky" to not be taunted with racial epithets in her first-grade classroom?

The Peanut is in a new school this year. We moved her because we were so impressed with how the school seemed to truly embrace diversity and, to be honest, the school handled the incident wonderfully and appropriately.

However, I find it sadly ironic that the Peanut had no concept of race or color before she even came to this school.  It took less than a week before she learned that she was Asian. One of her little classmates had apparently lectured her on racial stereotypes and distinctions.  The Peanut was so confused that she came home one day and asked whether it was true that we were "Ajin".  

She knew that people looked different but there was never any judgment behind that.  It was beautiful to see and I'm sorry to see that loss of innocence. 

Like I said, you never forget your first time.

 

ON THE FLIP SIDE: USING MY ASIAN POWERS FOR MY OWN ENTERTAINMENT

Despite the fact that all my friends know I was born and raised in NY, some of them still cannot help but think that all Asians are imbued at birth with some sacred and mystical Far East knowledge. It's truly amazing to me.

Last week, I went over to a buddy's apartment and, as a joke, I told him that the Feng Shui in his apartment was completely off and that he needed to immediately move all his furniture around if he wanted to regain spiritual balance in his life.

I had him moving stuff around for about an hour before I couldn't take it anymore and started laughing so hard that tears were coming down my eyes. The dude was lathered in sweat from moving all his couches around the apartment. He even started complaining that my prank had caused him to re-injure his shoulder.

I told him to stay cool and grab some toothpicks so I could perform some ancient Far East acupuncture on him.

Ha!

 

HOUSEKEEPING

(1) Thanks to KoreAm for naming MetroDad as one of the Top 10 Asian-American blogs. I am humbly honored.

(2) Still undecided on whether to maintain my Twitter page. Whom should I be following?

(3) I know times are tough these days but, as the year ends, if you are lucky enough to be able to donate a small amount in order to help those less fortunate, please consider donating to help honor my friend's memory. The Andrew Golkin Fund has provided scholarships to some incredible kids and we'd love to do even more for them.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and all your loved ones!

Birds, Bees & Butts

 

 

The Peanut turned six last week (more on that in another post) and I'm quickly realizing that I can no longer answer her questions solely for the benefit of my own amusement. Her curiosity and intellect have reached a stage where the quest for knowledge must be gently nurtured and delicately handled.

Dealing with kids this age is a bit of a tightrope. You're never sure what they already know about a subject yet, at the same time, you don't want to fill their heads with information that might blow their tiny, little minds.

Nowhere is this more evident than when it comes to conversations about biology. Two recent conversations with my daughter have solidly driven that point home for me.

Witness...

Conversation #1

A week ago, the two of us were in a Chinese food coma and spaced out on the couch watching television. Suddenly, an image of a pregnant woman appears on the screen when the Peanut turns to me and says, “Daddy, how does the baby get out of the belly?”

Slightly panicking for a second, I remain calm enough to nonchalantly reply “When you see your mother tomorrow, ask her.”

“No, Daddy. I want you to tell me. I know how the baby gets in the belly. I just want to know how the baby gets out. Do they cut the belly open?”

Rembering the parenting adage of answering a child's questions as simply as possible, I reply “No, kiddo. The baby comes out of the woman’s vagina.”

Dead silence.

I pause for a moment but she doesn't appear to have any follow-up questions so we go back to watching television together. However, a minute later, I look out the corner of my eye and catch her peeking down her shorts and just staring at her vagina with the biggest look of bewilderment I've ever seen.

I had to keep from laughing my ass off so hard that I almost had an aneurysm!

 

Conversation #2

A few days later, my friend Erica's Jack Russell terrier gave birth to a litter of adorable puppies. The Peanut and I are on the subway and I'm showing her the latest batch of photos.

My daughter, with her fountain of newly-attained knowledge, turns to me and says in a very matter-of-fact voice, "Only female dogs can get pregnant and when they have babies, they come out of her vagina. Just like human women are the only ones who can get pregnant and give birth."

Normally I would have gently praised her for her intelligence. However, in this case, she followed it up by saying, "DID YOU KNOW THAT, DADDY? HUH? DID YOU? DID YOU? C'MON, DADDY. I CAN'T HEAR YOU. DID YOU KNOW THAT?"

So, in order to calm her down, I replied, "Listen, honey. I love you but you're six and you don't have ALL the answers. There's a very special subset of human men that are capable of having babies. Personally, I'm not biologically capable of getting pregnant or having babies. However, your Uncle Nelson is. In fact, he's pregnant right now. He's having a boy and if you want, we can go visit him in the hospital when it's time for the baby to be born."

Now let me just say that the Peanut and I log a lot of time together. She gets my sense of humor. In fact, at the tender age of six, she has already perfected the AER™ (Asian Eye Roll.) And 9 times out of 10, our conversations usually end with her looking at me and saying, "For real? No way!"

In this case, she replied "Oh yeah? Well, how is the baby going to come out of his belly? Uncle Nelson doesn't have a vagina."

"Of course he doesn't have a vagina, kiddo. The baby is going to come out his butt."

Like any little kid, merely hearing the word "butt" is enough to send her into convulsions of laughter. Either way, I assumed the conversation was over and that she knew I was just kidding.

Fast forward an hour later when I'm dropping her off at her mother's house. As the two of them are catching up, I go to use the restroom. When I come out, BossLady looks like she's seen a ghost.

"Your brother and his girlfriend are having a baby? Holy crap. They don't even live together. What are your parents going to say? I'm totally in shock. I think I need to sit down."

Before I can explain, the Peanut blurts out "Hold on a second. That's not even the best part. His girlfriend isn't the one having the baby. Uncle Nelson is the one who is pregnant. And guess what? THE BABY IS GOING TO COME OUT HIS BUTT!"

Needless to say, I had some explaining to do.

 

Being a highly involved father of the new generation (oy vey!) I started researching online about how to explain Sex Ed to a first-grade child. I also began persusing the local bookstore to see if there were any books that the Peanut could read on her own. Turns out there's a bunch of readily available source material available.

I find all of this more than a little amusing, primarily because the only conversation that I ever had with my parents about Sex Ed was when I was 18 years old. I was headed out one night to meet up with my high-school girlfriend. My father was on the couch reading the NY Times. As I had one foot out the door, he briefly looks up from his paper and yells out, "Hey! You know about condoms, right?"

End of conversation.Thank you, Obi Wan Kenobi.

Talk to me, people. Any funny conversations with your kids about the birds and the bees? Or alternatively, any humorous stories about your parents trying to drop knowledge on you? Spill it.

An inquiring mind wants to know.

 

MetroDad Mailbag (The Asian Edition)

When my friend Phil Yu, who runs the illustrious news site Angry Asian Man, asked me to write a guest post on his site while he takes a much-needed vacation to the mother continent, I wasn't sure that I'd have time to write something. But Phil has always been a great supporter of MetroDad and when I heard that my boys Yul Kwon, Parry Shen and Bobby Choy were contributing also, I knew I couldn't say no.

Anyway, despite the fact that this site deals primarily with the subject of being a single 41-year-old Korean-American parent in New York City, I tend to get a ton of e-mails from younger Asian/Asian-American readers from around the world so I thought I'd take the opportunity to answer a few of them all at once.

Here's the first question I received:

Dear MetroDad:

It seems like everywhere I look these days, non-Asian people are sporting Asian-motif tattoos. Usually, they're Chinese characters of some sort. How do I tell people how cliched and absurd these tattoos are?

-Michiko
San Francisco, CA

Dear Michiko,

I feel your pain. There's a great story about a certain unnamed NBA player whom, when asked about his tattoo, replied that it meant "turbulent flow." Unfortunately, it seems the player had simply picked characters from the tattoo parlor's catalog. When the characters were put together, the tattoo was actually translated as "crazy diarrhea."

I suggest that you follow my lead. Whenever you see someone sporting Chinese character tattoos, just tap them on the shoulder and say, "Damn, I like Moo Shu Pork too but I never thought about getting it tattooed on my bicep. Ballsy move, dude!"

Let me know how it works out.

Best,
MetroDad

To read the rest of my inane advice to today's youth, head over Angry Asian Man.

Dear Andy

Dear Andy,

This morning, I was walking around downtown with my daughter. As we strolled down the street holding hands, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with emotion and suddenly, tears started streaming down my face.

The Peanut looked up at me with her innocent eyes and said, "What's wrong, Daddy?"

"Daddy's a little sad today."

"Why?"

"Because 9 years ago today, I lost one of my best friends."

"How did you lose him, Daddy?"

"He died, Peanut."

You died, Andy. Even after all these years, I still can't get over saying those words. They sound so final, so cold, so dark.

God knows that you were anything but dark, my friend. You had a laugh that wasn't so much infectious as it was healing. Your smile lit up a room. And your eternal optimism could make even the most depressed person see the brighter side of things.

I still can't believe it's been 9 years since we lost you, Andy. After all these years, I still struggle to make sense out of it. How could life be so cruel to take you away from us at such a young age? You had just turned 30 years old. We were all so young. Our futures were so far ahead of us.

Recently I wrote an article offering advice to younger people around the age of 30. Ironic, eh? Much of my advice centered upon my belief that life is short. I wrote about how it's often said that before you die, your life passes before your eyes. It's called living. Don't let it pass you by.

When you're 30, you can't fully comprehend or appreciate what that means. They're just words on paper. Ramblings from an old man. But for me, it's more than a mere aphorism. It's a philosophy of life that I wholeheartedly embrace. More importantly, it's a philosophy I learned from you. Not only by being your friend but also from losing you.

To this day, I always think of how you treated everyone so kindly and my friendship with you always reminds me that good friends are better than good jobs or good trips or lots of money or any of the other things that are stand-ins for what life really is about. My friendship with you helped strengthen in me the shapeless, nameless muscle one needs to nurture friendships. I’ve become a better friend to others and a more compassionate person than I ever would have had our paths not crossed. It's one of the greatest gifts that you ever gave me.

Speaking of friends, you'd still laugh your ass off if you saw us now. Life may change but somehow it still remains the same. "La famiglia" (as you always liked to call all of us) is still as close as ever. We may be a little older and a little grayer but, at the end of the day, we're still that bunch of silly misfits who love nothing more than being with each other. Russell is still the hilarious lovable misanthrope that he always was. Kyle and I hung out with him last week and we're still nursing a hangover. Roy continues to live in Miami but instead of hitting the hot spots of South Beach, he now spends most of his time hitting golf balls and changing diapers. Shary has finally turned into the endearing old man that we knew he would always become. Most nights, we suspect he falls asleep before his kids do. And since Kyle and I are now both single, we spend a lot of our time acting like we did 9 years ago. Need I say more?

But we miss you, Andy. We miss you so damn much. We think about you all the time and we miss you as much today as we did when we first lost you. Every time we're all together, we still talk about our favorite memories of you. We can be anywhere in the world and one of us will quietly raise a glass and simply say, "To GoGo." Without fail, tears will always come to our eyes as we take a moment to remember how much we miss you.

While memories of our time together may fade, our love for you never does. Truly great friends like you are hard to find and impossible to forget. And quite simply, you were one of the best friends a guy could ever have.

As always on this day, I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you. I always have and I always will.

Rest in peace, Andy.

Love always,

Your friend Pierre

 

Andrew Golkin, 1970-2001